Wednesday, March 10, 2010

War Games - So Underrated! (

War Games - So Underrated! ( "Funny post about the 80s movie War Games with Matthew Broderick by K.H. MacLean"

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Still Sucks

Bill Maher is still and prick, but he did just write a pretty funny article on variety: check it...Here

Monday, March 1, 2010

Why Bill Maher Blows

Bill Maher is a smug, arrogant, douche rag. I don't think I'm saying anything new or earth-shaking. In fact, if that's all I was gonna go on about in this post, I don't think it would be all that interesting. What interests me, is why Bill Maher is a douche rag.

If you believe in a organized religion you are insane. -Bill Maher paraphrased.

Now, if you know me (and if you are reading this right now there is an excellent chance that is the case), you know that my main beef with Mr. Maher comes from his attitude towards religion. I'll get to that a further on down but first I just want to explore the sort of climate Maher creates.

That, of course, is the climate of the ignorant, educated liberal.

Bill Maher loves to talk. I've got nothing against that, I love to talk as well. But I at least try to talk about things that I understand when I do it, especially when it comes to things as complicated as politics and religion, two of Maher's favorite topics.

But Maher never lets complexities get in the way of him championing one of his pet (usually quite left of center) causes.

Just in case you weren't aware, I'm a pretty liberal person. But there are few things that annoy me than to hear other liberal people talk out their ass about something just because they thing a republican might like it.

A great example of this was a time I was watching a presidential debate between Obama and McCain with a former roommate of mine. I said something about Sarah Palin and how she is a crazy bitch to which my roommate added something to the effect of, "Yeah, and McCain too. That guy has got it in for us."

I wasn't about to get into a fight with my roommate over John McCain, but I asked him, "What are you talking about? Because John McCain isn't a terrible guy, or a terrible statesman. In fact, I think that if he had been elected in 2000 he would have a done an alright job." My roommate's response was to simply grunt and quietly concede, which I took to mean he was just talking out of his ass in the first place. Now, I did think McCain was guilty of letting his party push him around and use him as a bit of a puppet during the 08' election. But I'd hardly say "he has it in for us".

It is these kind of no brain comments that Maher makes and encourages. Much like (total nut ball) Glen Beck he uses the extreme as an example of the center and he paints anyone on the other side of the fence from him on an issue as a radical moron. Way to encourage discussion, Bill.

Bill is more sane and (intentionally) funnier than Beck. I'll give him that.

Now as for Bill and his take on religion.

It doesn't really bother me that Maher is averse to organized religion. It does bother me is his relentless assault on organized religion despite the fact that he doesn't even make the slightest ever to understand them.

I don't like NASCAR but I'm not going to go and make a movie about how much it sucks because have the integrity to admit I don't know much about it.

To be honest, I haven't seen Maher's movie Religulous, but I have seen quite a bit of his show and everything I've ever seen with him handling his opinion on religion he only seeks out the most ignorant of extremists and tries to use them as an example of all people of that religion (usually Christianity). Like Maher actually thinks all Christians are exactly like the white baptists in one Mississippi town.

He cares so little about learning anything about these religions that once, while being interviewed by Mike Huckabee (who I am not a fan of, except for this one time), Maher was caught off balance by the clear responses Huckabee was able to produce to Maher's "stumper" questions on religion. Questions that any Christian with a decent understanding of their own religion should be able to answer.

But probably the biggest issue I have with Maher's problem with religion is that he tries to blame it for every instance of violence around the world.

Seriously Bill? It obviously is true that throughout the course of history many a person has suffered in the name of someone else's' religion. But do you honestly believe everyone would simply stop fighting and sing kumbaya if religion went away tomorrow?

It is in human nature to be violent, distrusting, and controlling. As long as there is power to be had there will be violence on this earth, whether the excuse is religion or money or convenience or anything else.

I'm not going to try to argue that many people don't practice perversions of their own religion. I'm not going to try and claim that religion isn't responsible for anything bad that every happens. But I can't condemn religion because when practiced purely it is the most good thing any person can do.

Nearly all government is broken in some way in countries throughout the world, so why don't we jut throw away government? Because we need it. Because when you do it right it is a very very good thing.

There are a lot of people out there that follow faith blindly, and don't understand their own religion. And that is said, but it is important to understand that those people are not a reason to condemn the ideology of faith. Because they are a perversion of that ideology not the realization.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Why District 9 Blows

**Spoilers** If you don't want the plot of this chunk of crap to become known to you, stop reading now (though I think I'd be doing you a favor).

Originally I didn't want to write this post all in one posting. I was going to do it, one on wednesday - one on friday. But, I had to go to the store on wednesday and never got around to it then on Thursday I was going to take care of part 1 but, I don't know, Marathon Man was on tv and I got caught up watching old episodes of "Dragon Ball". So here it is.

I also didn't want to call it "Why District 9 Blows", what I wanted to call it was: Why District 9 is a Big Steaming Pile of Shit. But I didn't think that would look good as a posting on Facebook. So here it is.


Maybe when I went to see District 9 (which here after will not be in italics) I had my expectations out of whack. From what I had gathered from the previews and buzz was that it was a gritty, documentary style, sci-fi flick about a bunch of aliens who crash on earth and begin to suffer from discrimination and persecution by us no good humans. It would be a realistic "what if?" type movie, that would make people look at ourselves and our own prejudices.

But that's not what happened. At least, not for most of the movie. The beginning sort of starts out that way. The allegory is a little heavy handed and there is some unnecessary audience manipulation (alien abortions?) to try to unsettle you. But if that gets under your skin, just wait, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

After around the half hour mark, the documentary style story line is completely thrown out and the movie quickly disintegrates into a frenetic, action movie shoot em' up, gore-fest that has more exploding bodies than I had drinks that time I ran through a screen door at that party (fuck doors!).

Which brings me to my first major problem with this movie: the senseless and gratuitous violence.

Now, I have nothing against a good, violent, shoot em' up movie. I love flicks like Aliens, or The Matrix. But with those movies, the violence makes sense in the world of the story. Its gotta happen, and you know it. With District 9, the violence comes out of nowhere. When you see that first body explode you go "Woah! I was not thinking that would happen." That's not necessarily a bad thing, unless it is overexploited. By the third or fourth body you are thinking "Okay, I get it, the alien guns make people explode like confetti from a cannon." Then it happens about ten more times.

It isn't just exploding bodies. The scene where the gang is killed, for example, the Battlemech or whatever it is, kills all but the gang leader with the bullets from their own guns (a completely bloodless affair). Now, it could have done the same to the gang leader, but no, it shoots him in the head with something that looks like a pepsi can which then explodes bursting his head like a dart to a water balloon full of red kool-aid. Why? Did it know it was the leader and thus should die an extra gruesome death?

Or even when the violence isn't that disturbing, I.E. the scene where they are torturing Wickus (D-9's "hero") with a cattle prod so he will use the guns. Up until the point when they want him to shoot the living alien I couldn't help but think "Wow, this just all seems really unnecessary." It just didn't make sense to me that in this world they couldn't explain to the Wickerman that they wanted him to try and use the guns and if he refused just poke him with the cattle prod once, or even just threaten him with it. I'm sure it would be more than enough to get him to comply fully. Its not like its hurting him any to just shoot a dead cow.

The whole sequence was in there only to shock the audience and make the establishment out to be villains to the point of them being cartoon like. It didn't make any sense otherwise and doesn't do anything to enhance the story.

Now on to reason #2 why this movie blows: The Hero Sucks!

Now, when this movie starts you are supposed to think Wickus is a putz, a pushover, a sheep in a shepherd's clothing. Which is fine. Going by the story, you would expect that Witwicky, by starting to transform into one of the aliens, comes to understand their plight and realize that what everyone is trying to do to them and how they are being treated is wrong. He will come to look at them as intelligent and emotional beings.

But no! The whole time he still acts like the selfish little pussy that he was at the beginning, only now he is having a really bad day.

Hello, don't I look heroic? No? I don't act heroic either.

Even when you think he is turning into a decent person/alien he does everything he can to still act like a prick. Case and point: the scene when they are about to escape in the alien craft underneath the shack. They are all set to go but there is one problem. The Alien is going to go home first, and that is going to take 10 years. But then he'll come back and help Wickus. Now understandably this upsets Wickus, but really, what was he expecting? This Alien to choose him, some guy who was a complete dick to him until today over his own race of people who have been getting shat on by the human race for years?

So Wickus throws a hissy fit and the Alien feels his pain but he is going to leave anyway. So the only option Mr. Wickus Isa Dickus has is to consent, Its not like Wickus has a choice, he doesn't know how to fly the spaceship, and even if he did he couldn't figure out how to use the tools in the mother ship to cure him from his transformation. But that's not what he does. No, our fearless leader decides to hit the alien in the back with a 2x4 leaving him incapacitated. Then he tries to fly away in the spaceship himself only to promptly crash it after about 30 seconds (the most realistic thing to happen in the whole movie).

Yes, at the end Wickleberry comes around and after some mutual heroics he lets the Alien go unmolested. But he makes this transformation only after he has thrown out all of the good will he has built up with the Alien (and the audience) and he flip flops so suddenly it is jarring and feels insincere.

It is too bad that the trolls who wrote this egg don't properly understand the concept of a character arc.

Its not necessary for all stories to have a classic arc where a character grows, but in a formulaic Sci-fi where lots of characters are aliens or cartoony villains it helps to have a charismatic character the audience relates to.

Which leads me to the next thing that sucks about this movie: Deus Ex Machina

Way back in the day, when theatrical story telling was but a wee little babe, people used the Deus Ex Machina to wrap up their stories. It literally means "god from the machine" in latin. What would happen in their ancient tales is that a god would come down and resolve all of the conflict so everything could end amicably for the protagonists. In today's world of story telling it is used by writers who have written themselves into a corner and have no other way to get their protagonists out of an otherwise inescapable situation.

District 9 uses the deus ex machina like it would be illegal to use it the next day. I saw the movie about six months ago and I can't recall every detail but off the top of my head I remember FOUR moments in the movie that fit this description.

1. The scene where Wickus escapes the operating room.

I didn't have a huge problem with this one. It was the first in the movie (I can usually stand one or two in action/sci-fi films), and it was only about 40 minutes in so he had to escape somehow. It was a little lazy but it did establish him as having enhanced strength thanks to the alien arm (though they don't use this at any other point in the film...hmm).

2. The scene where Wickus and the Alien escape the lab with the bomb.

This one was red flagged by my brother. In the midst of bodies exploding like fireworks on the Fourth of July Wickus' Alien buddy just happens to see all of the necessary materials lying around to make an alien bomb so they can escape an otherwise hopeless situation. How convenient. This wouldn't be so bad, if the writers or director took the time to show them working out the problem and putting together the bomb. But no, they simply say "We can't escape!" then immediately they are like, "Oh we'll build a bomb... we escaped!" LAZY.

3. The scene where Wickus hits the Alien with the 2x4.

While this doesn't solve any problems it certainly comes out of nowhere and makes absolutely no sense. The thing that I really hate about this moment (other than what was said before about Wickus) is that it serves no purpose to the story whatsoever. The ending is exactly the same as it would have been had this never happened (save for a few less exploding bodies). As far as I can tell this moment in the movie solely exists to make it twenty minutes longer so they can jam in one or two more action sequences. Why!?

4. Finally, the scene where Wickus hops in his little robot and kills the thugs.

It is a common tale in this movie by the time this happens: Wickus is about to die, he has no hope of escape. Completely doomed. Oh wait, that Gundam just turned on at the exact time Wickus was going to be killed, and it killed all of the thugs. Great! That was easy. It wasn't even like anyone had to do anything or even think about it, like a god just intervened and saved Wickus' ass... again.

"What's that Mr. MacLean? I'm sorry I can't hear you over all the Oscars. Suck it."

So yeah. I don't like this movie. When I first saw it I didn't feel this strongly about it. It was more of just an unsettled feeling like I wasn't sure what happened but I knew it wasn't awesome. Then the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much of a let down it really was.

There are other minor things I didn't like about it, Peter Jackson hype for example. Seriously, you take the LOTR trilogy off this guy's resume and suddenly it looks a lot less impressive (King Kong, Lovely Bones, The Frighteners).

The special effects aren't very good. Which wouldn't have mattered had they cared even a little bit about making a good story. But now, I can't even recommend people renting it because the effects will look even worse on a small screen.

I know I'm in the strong minority when it comes to this movie, and I've accepted that some people are just going to like it. But that doesn't mean I have to, and I maintain that given the chance, I can turn anyone against this film. Just give me the chance. Please!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Oscar Week, "Hi my name is Kristen Stewart. I wish I was a boy."

Hey it's Oscar week. No other time of year do you see better montages of movies than at the Academy Awards.

I have seen very few of the TEN movies nominated for best picture this year, and I haven't seen any of the ones favored to win (Up in the Air, Avatar, and The Hurt Locker). In fact, the only two I have seen, Inglorious Basterds and District 9, I didn't particularly like that much.

Basterds was alright. The acting in it is mostly good and there is some great Tarantino dialogue. But I felt that it was a little slow and had a very uneven mood. It felt to me like Tarantino didn't know if he wanted to make an action, black comedy, drama, or suspense film. So what we ended up getting was a muddled movie that wasn't really a clear anything.

Then there is District 9. I'm not going to go into the details (I'll save that for Wednesday) but lets just say I've seen better movies.

Now on to something else that has been bothering me.

Kristen Stewart. What the hell is her problem?

What are you doing here? Are you trying to look like a 14 year old boy? If so, succeeding admirably.

Alright, I get it. You want to be punk rock. You're an emo chick. But there are plenty of chicks out there that still manage to look hot while brooding.

I know you can do it. I've seened it!


Friday, February 19, 2010

The Apocalypse is Coming AND No One Likes Me!

Performed at the Eastville Comedy Club last night, and well, it didn't go so well. I kind of bombed.

Now bombing isn't fun but it would have been okay if I hadn't have gone home and read the news.

Let me tell you, there is no faster way to feel that society is doomed than if you go on and read all of the hateful ignorant shit that people post on the comment sections of virtually any article. Any article, it can be something like "Man saves basket of kittens from fire" and people will post shit like, "He should've let those kittens burn, along with the Jews" and then it will have twenty "I like this comment" checked off! Crazy, crazy, crazies out there.

And of course, yesterday was an extra special day for all those crazies out there because that nut-ball decided he was sick of the government stealing all his money and he flew his private plane into an office building.

And so now, all of this guy's tea bagging buddies are all over the inter-webs celebrating what he did!

Crazy people banding together, making it easy for the FBI to get them all on the watch list

So that sort of pushed me over the edge into a miserable depression. So the world is going to end and no one like me because I suck at stand-up, that's just great!

These Tea Baggers are unbelievable to me. Its funny how they think they know what is best for America when they hate most of the other people who live here.

Many people don't really understand just what it is to be a stand-up comic.

There's no worse feeling in the world than being on stage and you know things aren't going well and you can just feel the awkwardness in the room. You can see the look on everyone's face. But that reason is the same reason why everyone does this.

People who don't do stand up and some people who do think "oh its so selfless, spreading joy and laughter around the world." What a load of bullshit. We do this because when you do it right, it feels awesome. It's completely selfish. Its great that everyone's laughing and all, but you know what's really great? Me! Because I'm the reason they're laughing. I'm so clever and funny that this guy over here had the worst day of his life and he's still laughing! I am a God on this stage! That's the real reason to do stand up comedy.


I just performed at the Comedy Corner in the village tonight. Much better show. I'm on top of the world once again baby!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Hey It's the Winter Olymp...ah I Already Don't Care.

So it's the Olympics, hold on don't faint from excitement just yet, it's the Winter Olympics!

That time of year when we all gather 'round the hearth and debate what best describes curling. Is it horse shoes meets shuffle board? Bocce with some lawn darts mixed in? Or maybe the combination of bocce-lawn darts-and marbles? Tough call.

In a related story: I had no idea Rascal Flatts was a group made up of a bunch of fat middle aged guys. I always just assumed because all of their fans were women and gay men and because they're music sucked that they were young good looking guys. Well, you know what they say about people who make assumptions...

Also, and completely unrelated, Rage Against the Machine is playing on my computer right now. I definitely like some of their songs, but I don't know if I would go as far to say they are a "good" band. They have a pretty strong case of the AC/DC "All our songs sound exactly the same" Disease and I find most of the "political" statements in their songs to be mostly devoid of constructive solutions and bordering on anarchism (which I tend to not support). But then they have some very rocking songs, specifically most of the songs on their first album.

So I pose the questions: Are a few very solid songs enough to raise a band above the rest of their musical mediocrity? And also, what is curling to you? Besides the #1 reason no one is watching the USA network this week.

Oh wait, the one guy wears his hair like The Situation, I see the appeal now.

Monday, February 15, 2010

What Am I Gonna Do with My Life?

So now entering day number 182 of unemployment. Starting to really where the hell I'm going to be able to actually find some work.

Very good chance I'll be a barista by the end of the month, if anything at all. But I was just given the suggestion of trying my hand as a tutor for some of the wealthier children in the city. Now, ostensibly this idea doesn't seem that crazy. I have several friends who have or currently work as substitute teachers and that's a lot like tutoring...right? But when I think about it, the problems pile up hard and fast:

1. While Providence College has a decent reputation in the academic world (I could talk for seconds about all the job offers I've gotten for calling myself a PC alum) I'm not entirely sure I have the credentials to get all these Richie Rich parents lining up around the block for my services.

2. I am pretty sure I could be a great teacher IF I could make up the curriculum. I'm not so sure I would be the best proofreader in the world for a high school paper in which grammar is more important than the actual content (Hello, Mrs. Cole!); although, I do know how to properly use a semicolon.

2a. I really don't know what areas of study I could be of real significant use. I would probably do well with creative classes: writing, poetry, short stories, anything with theater (except costume design) but how often do you really see middle and high schoolers taking these kind of courses for credit (much less getting tutored for them)? I could probably do alright with basic piano and guitar, maybe even some music theory but my ability to translate sheet music to guitar and piano is pretty rusty.

I'd like to take a moment to congratulate anyone who is still reading this at this point. You made it!

On a completely different note: I'm going to try and step up the comedy performances this week, with two-three open mics and a show at Bar 4 on Sunday. I've had the nasty habit of flaking out on open-mics in the past, we'll see if I can man up this time.

Who knows, maybe if I'm lucky one day I can be like this guy:

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Little Late: Grammy Thoughts

August and Everything After was a huge album for the band Counting Crows from way back in 1993. If featured several songs that you'd still hear on the radio today. It was nominated for zero Grammys.

So the Grammys were two weeks ago. I have one question? When did winning a Grammy become talent optional? It seems more and more award shows these days are throwing all of their credibility to the wayside just to try and make a few extra bucks for the industries they recognize (I’m talking to you Oscars, 10 best picture noms?).

Taylor Swift is cute and all, and she’s not devoid of all musical talent but album of the year? She has a less than fantastic voice and as for her songwriting; since when did cutesy pop become the forefront of quality music?

I was never a fan of the of the Backstreet Boys or N*sync but those guys were at actually talented as far as being able to sing and they never won a single Grammy between them (Not that they should have, that's the point).

I can’t think of a single thing the Jonas Brothers do that warrants a Grammy nom (unless “Band most capable of making tweens scream hysterically” is a new category I’m unaware of).

I don’t know, maybe I’m just showing my age (all of twenty-three years!), maybe I didn’t notice before and the Grammys have always pandered to the listening preferences of middle schools across the country. But now that I do notice I certainly don’t like it.

I refuse to believe that these are the best and brightest of music today. I hope this doesn’t discourage all of those people out there who are actually trying to use music to create something new and exciting that people can hear and say “wow”. Of course, those people aren’t doing it for the awards anyway.

Still, some recognition would be nice, and deserved. Shove it Grammy.

This is from M. Ward's album "Hold Time" released last year. Zero nominations

Monday, February 8, 2010

Facebook Doppelganger Week: An Interesting Social Experiment in Vanity

Interesting week it was on Facebook. The first ever Doppelganger week where people replace their profile pics with pictures of celebrities that they look like, or rather, wish they looked like.

Doppelganger week showcased a level of mass delusional behavior that would make Snookie say, “Aw, shit no bitch!”

It was really interesting, and useful in a way, to see what my facebook friends (and even a few of my actual friends) see when they gaze into the looking glass. Some were insightful, some clever, some hideous, and some I simply cannot go without acknowledging here. (names are altered to shelter these sensitive souls)

Sorry, Rosalita, you don’t look like Kim Kardashian. Keep dreaming though! John, you don’t look anything like a young William Shatner or James T. Kirk, but thanks for ruining Star Trek for me! Pocahontas? WTF?

There were a few pics that I did find well done, however. One was my friend Matt, who seamlessly superimposed his head on the body of an astronaut and claimed it was his doppelganger “World Famous Astronaut Curtis Hansel” (who I’m 88% sure doesn’t exist). And, also, I guess I should say that one person who did compare themselves to a ridiculously hot person and got it right was my friend, Allie. Yes, you do have long blond hair, you’re thin, are tall for a girl, have big boobs, and are generally pretty hot, so yeah, I guess you do look kind of like Jessica Simpson.